Our first meeting :)

Sorry I have taken so long to post this but I kinda needed time to take it all in.

So on Saturday I got all dressed up and fetched my girls and off we went for lunch.
I arrived there and it was amazing. She was so cute very wary of me. I sat and watched her in awe. I spoke to her mom and dad and it was amazing just to see her. M and E were so taken with her they spent most of the afternoon running around after her and loving her.

Her mom and I spoke for hours and it was so nice to chat to her about the little things. T has her parents wrapped around her little finger and she knows it. She loved her presents that we got her. I got her a little doll and some bath toys. It was so nice to just be there and see her.

As for me it was the best thing I could ever have done. It totally put me at rest. I feel like something has been lifted off my shoulders. and I know that she is safe and loved so much. I did the right thing. I love her like crazy and that will never change but the hurt and grief is a little less for that I'm grateful.

Some happy news I think :)

Well a lot has happened this last week or so. Well not really a lot but some kinda exciting news for me.

As I posted in my updates that I had finally got a social worker to contact my Daughters Adoptive parents. And now I was able to communicate with them without having to wait for my old social worker to contact me etc and now I could call my social worker etc.

Now I get an email last week from my old social worker stating that my daughter parents have set up an email so we can communicate directly without a social worker. Oh this was more than I could have hoped for I was so ecstatic. So I sent them an explanation letter as to why I had gotten a new social worker.
They emailed me back to say they were sorry they had no idea that I wasn’t struggling to contact them. But they have presents for my daughters for Christmas and a CD or two of photos and would I like to meet with them to collect or we can get a third party whatever I feel more comfortable with.
I’m not sure if I will get to see her or just them but whatever it is I feel it’s a step in the right direction.

Yes emotionally it will be hard if I do get to see her but the thought of having to wait another 16 years is even harder. And honestly I think it might be easier us to bond if she has a memory of me and I’m in her life even if it’s only once or twice a year than one day having to try start a new relationship from scratch. I don’t know but that’s my view. I know not everyone agrees with this. But I want to try it. But I’m not going to get too excited till I know for sure but I had to share.

Oh and my Mom says I’m not emotionally ready for this maybe she’s right but my thing is when will I be emotionally ready??

Update

Well it’s taken 6 nearly 7 months for a social worker to be assigned to my file (Which has been missing for that long as well.) and Today they found the File and spoke to T's mom. So officially I have a new social worker who is in the country YAY. This also means the letters (email ones) shouldn’t take nearly a month to get to me. (scary hey)
T is doing well and she is so cute and apparently keeping her parents on their toes They seem very happy and love her to bits. I really feel blessed to have them in my lives.

What song do you relate to?

Ok now I’m not really into music. Sure I love to listen to the radio, but I don’t have to have it on. Now a few months back I took my girls to see the Han na Mon tana Movie and this song struck a cord with me as it could almost be me singing about my life and how I know I shouldn’t give up. But lately Im not sure if Im doing the right things and if its working so when I heard this song this morning I just wanted cry as I know I have to keep on trying. No matter how hard it is.

Mil ey Cy rus – The Climb
I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high
There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I’m gonna to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
The struggles I’m facing,
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause
There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I’m gonna to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It’s all about
It’s all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith
Whoa a oh oh

How can it still hurt so much.

So in South Africa you not allowed to know the name of the adopting Parents. This is to protect them and the baby. And I understand this logically.
But now I have a delema well not really but I accidently found my daughters parents on Facebook this morning now wow this shocked me. Now Legally Im not allowed to know their surname and not that i can do anything with it but just knowing really hurt me. I dont plan to follow up on the information or try find them in person, or anything crazy.
Ok now the delema I face is do I tell them I know do I tell my social worker? or do I just keep quiet and just keep it to myself ????
And its a year now and I'm a mess and yes I know I did the right thing for her but its suppose to get easier and like my mom said its hormones too but for fudge sakes Im not suppose to such a mess I should be happy I know ???

Rough week

Last week was so rough. Yes I know my hormones are mainly responsible but it doesn’t make it any easier to accept or live with.
It was E’s birthday and T's birthday is coming up it was mother’s day and well it all got too much. I was feeling bad as I kept thinking of T’s birthday on E’s birthday. And then E did Mothers day concert at school it was so cute but I sat there crying cause I can’t ever be there for T and I keep thinking that it’s not fair cause I should be grateful that E and M are in my life but my councilor says it’s ok to grieve for her. But I feel it’s been a year, surly I should be ok and not feel this way all the time? I don’t know I just want to be able to walk past a baby and not wonder about her or not feel like my heart is being ripped out.

Rough week

Wow its been a rough week emotionally.
I cant stop thinking about T. It seems every where i go I think about her. but I had some positive cause I managed to find out that the adoption assciation had a meeting and they going to assighn my case so hopefully I can get an up date about T really soon cause I really miss her and not knowing is really hard.

Letters

Well I finally get an email from the adoptive parents from my old social worker who is in Australia.
Now yes I’m happy don’t get me wrong I’m over the moon to hear how T is doing.

And boy is she cute she has these eyes wow well yes I’m bias she’s part of me. And she’s started talking and I just get so proud and tearful when I read about her.

But I’m also angry because I emailed and Facebooked my social worker (who left South Africa in Dec 2008) in January asking her how I could email the adoptive parents and she never responded and suddenly I get this mail Hi hope you well here is an update.

My flat mate says I should leave it but I have spent the last 3 months trying to find my file and get a social worker to take my file on so that I can continue contact with the adoptive parents. And this is no easy task because it’s now all the red tape and the fact that there are so few adoption social workers left in the country. It took a month and half for them (social workers in adoption) to have a meeting so they can bring up my case and to decide who to allocate another social worker who will then act as postman. Because I’m not allowed to have direct contact with the adoptive parents. and I really understand this law. But it’s frustrating when all you want is an email and you can’t just email the person directly. Now all of this could have been avoided if she had just handed my file over like she was suppose to. Then the file wouldnt have been closed. and i wouldnt have had all this emotional termoil cause i really felt like i had lost her a second time when they told me my file had been closed and nobody knew where it was.
Anyway thats my itch for the day. She is still beautiful and yes I will always be bias.

My Story

I was a 30 year old divorced mom with two beautiful daughters. A few months ago I met a man online and we clicked. This man swept me off my feet he was charming and kind and told me everything I wanted to hear.

Six months later I walked out broken, and four and a bit months pregnant. He was a Con man and a fraudster he had stolen from me, lied to me and stolen from my place of work resulting in me loosing my job my home and a car. I walked out with my two girls my furniture more debit that was more than three months salary. He had also stolen from my family.

I was lucky enough that my ex husband and I got on and he offered to help me get back on my feet. In January 2008 I moved in with my ex husband and his girlfriend and my two girls. This took a lot of pride swallowing and eating of humble pie.

I thought about my situation for a few weeks and decided that having two beautiful daughters already. I also realised that I was not financially stable nor did I know when I would be stable. I also realised that I was struggling with my other two daughters and adding another baby to the equation would not get any easier and the fact that the father had disappeared. I knew that I had to do what was best for my children all three of them and my only option was adoption that was the hardest decision I have ever made.

I then contacted a Pvt adoption agency and met with a social worker. For me I needed to be in as much control of the situation as there were so many factors which were out of my control, I decided I wanted an open adoption and the social worker gave me three couples’ profiles to look at. She made it my choice and I asked to meet with one of the couples.
The social worker set up the meeting with the prospective parents. I was so nervous to meet them. I was fortunate that I had an amazing social worker and the fact that I went through a private adoption agency.

The first time I met the adoptive parents I was so nervous but they seemed so sweet. I wrote down all the questions I wanted to ask and they willingly answered them. I also took pictures of my two daughters and the scans so they could see the baby. By the end of the meeting I had decided they were the ones I wanted to raise my baby. She was a lot like me character wise and I wanted people who had the same values and beliefs as me to raise my baby. Being a mom already I wanted them to be able to share as much of the pregnancy and birth experience as I feel that a baby starts long before the birth.
We set the next date so they could come to a scan and meet my daughters as they wanted to meet the girls. I felt the girls needed to meet them as I had told them that I was giving the baby up for adoption as I wanted to help make a couple as happy as we were as we were a family and they couldn’t have children. This meeting was a success and my two shy daughters loved them which helped me know that I had made the right choice.

But what kept surprising me was the fact that they were concerned for me. I had this preconceived notion, that the only thing adoptive parents would be concerned about was the baby and time and time again they surprised me with their concerns for me and my girls.
We had made the decision that both the parents would be in the theater with me for the c C-section. Eventually my due date arrived and me and my social worker checked into the hospital and waited for the birth parents to arrive. The doctors and anesthetist and gynee were amazing to me and them. My beautiful birth daughter was born at 08.01 on the 22nd of May 2008. They had offered me to hold her first and I insisted the new parents held her first. I then got to hold her and spoke to her. She was crying and when I spoke and hushed her she immediately responded and listened to my voice. I was give time with her before I was taken to recovery and then to the surgical ward.

They named her so she had the same initials as me which meant so much to me. I was unable to visit her the rest of that day due to the spinal block I had received in theatre. But the adoptive parents came to visit me and give me an update as to how she was doing. The next day I went to down to the maternity ward and visited her and the new parents I did this a couple of times that day. The next day I went down and fed her a bottle and said good-bye to them and her. This was so hard I handed her to her new mother kissed her good-bye and walked with the tears streaming own my face. I got back to my ward and climbed onto my bed into the foetal position and cried and cried. I just couldn’t face the world. My social worker came and sat with me as I cried. The next day came and I was discharged and I was scared to go home I didn’t want to face my girls as it meant that this nightmare was a reality. But I had no option and was taken home on the Sunday. Monday morning I went to the court to sign away my rights this was such a non event for such a huge moment for me. Its been nearly 10 months since I handed her over and do I miss her?

I miss her more than anything. But I know I did the right thing she is my life. and I know one day she will find me.