30 October 2010

Being Judged

I have just finished reading The Happiest Sad post about feeling bad/down. And it suddenly struck me that Birthmoms try to please too many people. I myself am very guilty of doing this. I play the what if? game every day and you know what it’s not worth it.

Sometimes being a birthmom sucks and we are negative we have bad days I sometimes have bad weeks. That doesn’t mean that I hate my BD parents nor does it mean that I hate Adoption. It means that I’m grieving which is normal and I’m allowed to be negative or angry or sad or all of the above. Just as I’m allowed to be happy. And some people want me to just move on but if my BD had died nobody would be telling me it was time to move on and forget about her.

So why should I forget My BD I too lost a child?

I lost our relationship! I lost my future with her! Yes she’s not dead but the future we were supposed to have is gone!

But like I feel I am happy because I do have the option to have her in my life. And I can make the best of the situation which I try to do. But if I’m sad about her it’s ok to comfort me.

So just don’t judge me or any Birthmom.

24 October 2010

When to let go?

At the moment I’m struggling as I have had to come off my AD cold turkey (due to financial reasons) and I finally got back on them this morning but it’s been a very hard emotional three weeks for me.

Letting go is something I am struggling with at the moment. Someone suggested it’s time to move forward by letting T go and by that not seeing her and not getting letters etc. Someone else said I need to move forward with my life by letting go. And maybe it is time to move forward but I don’t want to let go of the people in my life right now.

I have let go of my mother who most feel that she is not worth the energy I give her or have given her in the past and I must admit that I am pleased to say I haven’t caved with her this time.
I have let go of my ex hubby and don’t let him get to me and I now play tough.

But honestly I don’t want to let go of T I don’t want her to feel that I left her or abandoned her I need her to know she’s loved and wanted and I just feel that if I just stop communication I will be devastated. I don’t want to move on without her.

Sorry this is just ramblings

19 April 2010

One of those Days

Today is just one of those days :( I cant explain it Im just down and there is so much to look forward too but instead Im tired and sad.
I really miss T today and just want to see her. The girls are home but Im still fighting for maintenance and see what I can do to tell My x to take a flying leap.
I went to get legal advise but it seems unless i can raise the money myself there is nothing I can really do. :(
Hugs

26 March 2010

The Past

I have been thinking about being a birthmom so much lately. and I wanted to share a little of my past
I have a little journal I started which I wrote in just after I placed T. Its not a traditional journal as I wrote poems, I drew, I wrote that it wasn't my fault I wrote what I wanted for T so its a bit higledy pigildy.

And This journal sits in my cupboard until I need to feel close to T or need to re read where I was. But I want to share an entry from the 15 of July 2008. ( 7 and bit weeks since I had placed her.)


15 July
I lay here waiting for my sleeping tablet to take effect.
I want to hold you in my arms.
I want you to nuzzel my breast
I want to feed you and feel you.
My heart wants you, My head tells me that I have done the right thing, and my body aches for you.
I miss the little things
Everyone says I’m lucky I have M and E
They dont understand I want T as well.
There is an emptiness a hollow in my soul. but there is no way to make it full again.

There will always be a hollow in my heart and soul for T and there is never a day that doesn't go by where I dont think about her. but It is easier than in the begging. Do I doubt my choice I made? NO It was the right one for her. but I am at peace with my choice. And having met her makes it so much easier.