26 March 2010

The Past

I have been thinking about being a birthmom so much lately. and I wanted to share a little of my past
I have a little journal I started which I wrote in just after I placed T. Its not a traditional journal as I wrote poems, I drew, I wrote that it wasn't my fault I wrote what I wanted for T so its a bit higledy pigildy.

And This journal sits in my cupboard until I need to feel close to T or need to re read where I was. But I want to share an entry from the 15 of July 2008. ( 7 and bit weeks since I had placed her.)


15 July
I lay here waiting for my sleeping tablet to take effect.
I want to hold you in my arms.
I want you to nuzzel my breast
I want to feed you and feel you.
My heart wants you, My head tells me that I have done the right thing, and my body aches for you.
I miss the little things
Everyone says I’m lucky I have M and E
They dont understand I want T as well.
There is an emptiness a hollow in my soul. but there is no way to make it full again.

There will always be a hollow in my heart and soul for T and there is never a day that doesn't go by where I dont think about her. but It is easier than in the begging. Do I doubt my choice I made? NO It was the right one for her. but I am at peace with my choice. And having met her makes it so much easier.