30 October 2010

Being Judged

I have just finished reading The Happiest Sad post about feeling bad/down. And it suddenly struck me that Birthmoms try to please too many people. I myself am very guilty of doing this. I play the what if? game every day and you know what it’s not worth it.

Sometimes being a birthmom sucks and we are negative we have bad days I sometimes have bad weeks. That doesn’t mean that I hate my BD parents nor does it mean that I hate Adoption. It means that I’m grieving which is normal and I’m allowed to be negative or angry or sad or all of the above. Just as I’m allowed to be happy. And some people want me to just move on but if my BD had died nobody would be telling me it was time to move on and forget about her.

So why should I forget My BD I too lost a child?

I lost our relationship! I lost my future with her! Yes she’s not dead but the future we were supposed to have is gone!

But like I feel I am happy because I do have the option to have her in my life. And I can make the best of the situation which I try to do. But if I’m sad about her it’s ok to comfort me.

So just don’t judge me or any Birthmom.

24 October 2010

When to let go?

At the moment I’m struggling as I have had to come off my AD cold turkey (due to financial reasons) and I finally got back on them this morning but it’s been a very hard emotional three weeks for me.

Letting go is something I am struggling with at the moment. Someone suggested it’s time to move forward by letting T go and by that not seeing her and not getting letters etc. Someone else said I need to move forward with my life by letting go. And maybe it is time to move forward but I don’t want to let go of the people in my life right now.

I have let go of my mother who most feel that she is not worth the energy I give her or have given her in the past and I must admit that I am pleased to say I haven’t caved with her this time.
I have let go of my ex hubby and don’t let him get to me and I now play tough.

But honestly I don’t want to let go of T I don’t want her to feel that I left her or abandoned her I need her to know she’s loved and wanted and I just feel that if I just stop communication I will be devastated. I don’t want to move on without her.

Sorry this is just ramblings