Our Visit

Well a three weekends ago I got to see T again
It was such a nice visit. She has so much of my family in her and I see her SD(sperm Donor) less and less.

She smiles like E and is shy like both of them. It helps me so much to see how well she is doing.

Our visit for me was amazing and I really love seeing her and her mom and dad.
I asked about how she is understanding the adoption. and was told that recently she told someone that she’s lucky as she has two Mommy’s. My heart soared at this.
(I know it’s advised by the SW not to confuse the child but it’s how her parents are doing it and I respect that.) 

It really was an awesome visit.
Then on Thursday I got an Email from them asking If I was ok because they were worried about me after the visit. How did I get so lucky?
I told them that September had just been an incredibly busy month and I was just exhausted. but I loved seeing them and that they are doing an amazing job and how grateful I was that they were T’s Parents.
I love my Open Adoption

Regrets

The other night on Facebook I was chatting to a friend with whom I grew up with.

And we got to chatting about life and how we never thought that we would end up where we are now. This got me to thinking about regrets and if I could what would I now do differently.

Well I thought about it and I think the only two things I regret are:
Not looking after my body as well as I could have (my weight) and,
Being afraid of taking opportunities that were presented to me, making me lose out on said opportunities (going overseas at age 20).

I don’t regret my Marriage.
I got two beautiful girls from this.
I learnt that I don’t need to lose myself to be a wife.
I learnt that what I think and feel are important.
I learnt that I can have a say and still be a good wife.

I don’t regret my Divorce
I found myself.
I learnt that I am sexy if I feel sexy (not because someone says I am)
I learnt that I can ask for what I want.
I learnt that it’s ok to be single
I learnt that I don’t need a husband to be a person.

I don’t regret being with T’s SD (Sperm Donor)
I learnt that I can trust my gut feelings
I learnt that fairy tales don’t exist
I learnt that I will fight for what is right
I learnt that I can walk away when I need to.
I learnt to be humble
I learnt to swallow my pride.
I learnt to ask for help
I learnt that I am not stupid just trusting

I don’t regret placing T for adoption
I learnt what a mother’s love means
I learnt that I will survive
I learnt that I am stronger than I believed
I learnt that I can stick to a decision no matter how hard it is for me.
I learnt that I am a good Mom (I do make mistakes but I learn from them)
I learnt that it’s ok to admit defeat
I learnt that I will always grieve but its ok to get up and keep going.

I don’t regret Friendships that have ended
I have learnt that real friends are hard to find
I have learnt that not everyone will like me and that’s ok
I have learnt to walk away (Not always easy but necessary)
I have learnt gossip is hurtful
I have learnt to say sorry
I have learnt to not be needy (my friends will still be there)
I have learnt I do not need friends to be happy (I still like the ones I have)
I have learnt to tell the friends I have that they are special and loved.
I have learnt the difference between acquaintances and real friends.

So I wouldn’t change the things that have happened. But I have learnt a great deal from them .

Me and Adoption

This is something I have been wanting to write about for a while now.
In the beginning after placing T I was a wreck. I lost 20 kg’s in less than a month. I was eating, but emotionally I was finished. It was so hard the grief the sadness I really just wanted to die.
Slowly I found each day a little easier to bear, but that first year was a nightmare. I am the kind of person that remembers the little things so all I wanted to know was is she teething, is she sleeping, is she ok? what are her milestones. etc the list was endless. then there were the dreaded firsts her first christmas her first easter her first mothers day and don’t forget her first birthday which I blogged about here
I remember the first mothers day I had without her oh my did I cry. I remember thinking that it wasnt fair I would never get to be there on mother’s day and I was at E’s mothers day concert sobbing for T and the fact that she would never say Happy Mothers day to me. I needed to mourn for these thing I needed to grieve, and still be grateful that I had E and M to wish me Happy Mothers Day. (Know that I was grateful for E and M but it was impossible at the time to be happy that I only had them I wanted and even needed T as well.)
I hated to be told that time healed all wounds. I felt that I would never be ok I would never get through a day with out wanting to die from the heartache. The pain was almost physical. I remember my Social worker telling me that she knew I was hurting now, but one day I would go a day without crying,hurting,missing her, then a week then a month and then one day I would realise it had been weeks if not months that I hadn’t cried/hurting/missing T. I replied that I wasnt sure that was possible and I would never forget T. She gently reminded me that she was saying I should forget T but one day I would look back and it would be easier. I think I just said ok but in my mind I couldn’t comprehend that would happen, the pain was too real.
The second year was easier, in a weird way. I was still mourning her, especially the big events like christmas and easter and Mothers day and her birthday. But what helped was before her second birthday we had moved from a semi open adoption to an Open adoption. This in many ways helped me move forward. I realised that for all my reasons that I had placed her she has these.
She was loved. (I think more than I could have ever dreamed.)
She was happy.
She had more than I could have ever provided for her.
She had the room her BD had promised me she would have. (I know this seems petty but it means something to me and it was something that happened and I only realised it when they sent me pictures)
And the biggest bonus for me was the fact that I got to see her every few months.
We are now in the third year of our adoption and I have to say my social worker was right. It is easier. I have bad days but they are so far and few. I still think about her every single day. But the thoughts are happy ones. My yearning to see her has calmed down. I will always want to see her. but I’m not desperate for the visits there is no count down there is no urgency in when my updates need to come in. I get excited when I get them but I don’t check my email every day 300 times a day to see if they emailed me.
I got an update this week in fact and they were the ones asking for a visit which was so nice.
I love seeing her but the urgency of having to see her is dying. which for me means I’m ok I’m at peace. I feel secure in our adoption that I will be included I know when I need to see her all I need do is send an email or vice versa for them.
I’m in a good space at the moment. I’m comfortable with my adoption I’m comfortable with who I am to T and her family.
I do realise that things could change but I’m confident that we would be able to work around it. We have discussed the issue of what if T decided she didn’t want to see me. We have discussed the issue of what if I needed a break from our open adoption. and I know in my heart of hearts things will be ok.
So for now I’m in a good space about my adoption. I have my moments of sadness but for 95% of my life I’m good.

Who Am I to T???

This is another question I get asked a lot when I get asked about my adoption.
Who does T think I am?

Well honestly I don’t know what she thinks.
I know her mom and dad call me her other mommy (yes the social workers have had several fits about this) but I feel its their decision not mine.
When I see her I call myself by my name. I never imply that I’m her tummy mummy or her birth mom. I’m just Tanya.

She has said that I’m funny (in that I make her laugh) but I don’t push her or try find out who she see’s me as. For me I’m just the funny lady she sees every few months and loves playing with M and E.
I just enjoy being with her. She will soon realise who I am but I will never force her to acknowledge me in respect to my status as her birth mom.
She knows she has sisters who are M and E.
But there are no secrets and I will always be around to answer her but I feel that there won’t be this big day where she finds out it will be casual and over time she will just ask as she needs to know.
Even in my letters I sign my name.

How could you give your child away???

Sharon has done a post  yesterday and today on things not to say to Birthmoms and Adoptive parents. Today's one is Ignorance-is-1-thing and being a Birthmom I have dealt with all of these but I wanted to answer this question. My situation is unique, but my reasons are not.

I don’t understand how any mother could give her child away! 
This is something I have heard a lot in the last 3 years and yes I have been asked how COULD you give your child away?

This statement comes from ignorance, but it still hurts. In fact I was one of those woman who would say I would NEVER give a child up I mean how can you do that???

I didn't wake up one day and say I don’t want my baby. In fact I woke up every day from the day I made my final decision crying for the fact that I didn’t want to give my baby up I didn’t sleep properly from 6 months on. I remember the night before I went into hospital to deliver her that barely slept I was so scared and worried. I sat in bed rubbing my belly telling her how much I loved her and How it was going to be ok and how I hoped and prayed that one day she would understand I did this because I loved her and I needed her to be safe and loved and have the best life possible. I cried because I felt I had failed her. I cried because I couldn’t give her what she deserved which was the best possible life. I also told her about her mom and dad that were waiting for her and that I just knew they would love her. I told her how I would always love her. And I hoped that one day she would understand why.

I didn’t give her away!!! I placed her. I placed her in her mother’s arms! I chose to give her the best I could, I chose to place her so she would have the best possible life.

I wanted her so badly I wanted her with all my heart she was planned. We had bought clothes and Camp cots bottles blankets. We had bought linen we had a room for her. She was wanted.
But by the time I left her BD (birth dad), I had nothing.

I was living with my Ex and his Girlfriend, I had been told I had a home but only if I didn’t bring the baby home, I didn’t have medical aid. I didn’t have a job; I had my other girls to think of.
What if T was sick how would I pay for a doctor? Where would I find a home for me and my girls with no job? Where would I get the money for nappies? What would happen to M and E? How do I tell them now they really can’t do the little bit extra (like civies days and cake and candy at school or do the Olympiads or school concerts). Because I’m now feeding an extra mouth? What if they get sick then what yes they would have a dad who is around but trust you me he is worse than scrooge. (E got sick End of May this year. He promised me he would give me some money towards the R1200 bill I’m still waiting ;-) )

Yes I could have kept T but it would have been selfish and M, E and T would have been the ones to suffer.
I didn’t Throw/Give/Not want her, nor did I not care or walk away.
I spent hours making this decision. I spent months making plans so she would be looked after. I choose her parents I met them, I involved them. I made a plan for T.  I did all of this because I loved her.
I know how hard it is to be a parent. I knew the reality that awaited us if I was selfish. I knew that it wasn’t what I wanted or needed it was what was best for my children, because I love my girls.
 I love them so much that I would do anything for them.

 In South Africa you do get a child grant but they only give them to people whose financial situation is below a certain level can get the grant. The test to decide whether you qualify is called a means test. The means test at the moment says that you can get the grant if:

•You are single and earn R30 000.00 ($4286) per year or R2500.00 ($357) per month.
The amount changes every year, but in 2010 the child support grant was R250.00 ($35) a month.
http://www.capegateway.gov.za/eng/directories/services/11586/47468

Please note that one pack of Nappies costs about R180 ($26)

So next time you ask a Birthmom 'How could you give the baby away', or state that, You could NEVER give your child up! Understand it was done because we loved our children more than we loved ourselves and we loved them enough to put them first.

Weird Dreams

The last couple months I have had dreams about adoption. Not about T but another child.
I dreamt a few months ago I found myself pregnant and about to give birth again and I needed to find parents. It was very very vivid.
Then last night I dreamt that I was visiting a child in Amsterdam. She was my child but it wasn’t T and I was confused but I had my husband with me in this dream. (yes I don’t have a husband so very strange) we went to a museum and lunch and then I got woken up.
What I find strange that the dreams are not about T but another child. And so vivid and real.

First year is past..

A Birthmom’s first year is hell.

We often don’t know how we survive that year. its full of reminders. I know I counted each month. I thought about her every festive event (Christmas, Easter, Mothers day and Fathers day.) My birthday I mourned for her and then her 1st birthday was for me horrible it didn’t matter how much I tried to be ready for that day I never was. I cried nearly every day I often wished I would just die.
A councilor told me I should celebrate her birthday as if she was with me. In theory this was great in reality it didn’t work. I bought cup cakes and made an event where me and the girls sang happy birthday to T. I blubbered my way through the happy birthday and with tears running down my face. And tried my best to look happy for the girls.

I miss T every day but I’m very glad that we are past that first year.

Ps I’m sorry this post is all over the place. Just a very emotional post for me.

Relinquishment

Today nearly to the hour 3 years ago I placed T in your arms. You have loved her and cared for her and I can never thank you enough.
My heart is still sad but it is healing slowly I still think about her every day and some days are bad where I shed a tear or two but most days its happy thoughts.

I will forever love you T