This is another question I get asked a lot when I get asked about my adoption.
Who does T think I am?
Well honestly I don’t know what she thinks.
I know her mom and dad call me her other mommy (yes the social workers have had several fits about this) but I feel its their decision not mine.
When I see her I call myself by my name. I never imply that I’m her tummy mummy or her birth mom. I’m just Tanya.
She has said that I’m funny (in that I make her laugh) but I don’t push her or try find out who she see’s me as. For me I’m just the funny lady she sees every few months and loves playing with M and E.
I just enjoy being with her. She will soon realise who I am but I will never force her to acknowledge me in respect to my status as her birth mom.
She knows she has sisters who are M and E.
But there are no secrets and I will always be around to answer her but I feel that there won’t be this big day where she finds out it will be casual and over time she will just ask as she needs to know.
Even in my letters I sign my name.
26 August 2011
23 August 2011
How could you give your child away???
Sharon has done a post yesterday and today on things not to say to Birthmoms and Adoptive parents. Today's one is Ignorance-is-1-thing and being a Birthmom I have dealt with all of these but I wanted to answer this question. My situation is unique, but my reasons are not.
I don’t understand how any mother could give her child away!
This is something I have heard a lot in the last 3 years and yes I have been asked how COULD you give your child away?
This statement comes from ignorance, but it still hurts. In fact I was one of those woman who would say I would NEVER give a child up I mean how can you do that???
I didn't wake up one day and say I don’t want my baby. In fact I woke up every day from the day I made my final decision crying for the fact that I didn’t want to give my baby up I didn’t sleep properly from 6 months on. I remember the night before I went into hospital to deliver her that barely slept I was so scared and worried. I sat in bed rubbing my belly telling her how much I loved her and How it was going to be ok and how I hoped and prayed that one day she would understand I did this because I loved her and I needed her to be safe and loved and have the best life possible. I cried because I felt I had failed her. I cried because I couldn’t give her what she deserved which was the best possible life. I also told her about her mom and dad that were waiting for her and that I just knew they would love her. I told her how I would always love her. And I hoped that one day she would understand why.
I didn’t give her away!!! I placed her. I placed her in her mother’s arms! I chose to give her the best I could, I chose to place her so she would have the best possible life.
I wanted her so badly I wanted her with all my heart she was planned. We had bought clothes and Camp cots bottles blankets. We had bought linen we had a room for her. She was wanted.
But by the time I left her BD (birth dad), I had nothing.
I was living with my Ex and his Girlfriend, I had been told I had a home but only if I didn’t bring the baby home, I didn’t have medical aid. I didn’t have a job; I had my other girls to think of.
What if T was sick how would I pay for a doctor? Where would I find a home for me and my girls with no job? Where would I get the money for nappies? What would happen to M and E? How do I tell them now they really can’t do the little bit extra (like civies days and cake and candy at school or do the Olympiads or school concerts). Because I’m now feeding an extra mouth? What if they get sick then what yes they would have a dad who is around but trust you me he is worse than scrooge. (E got sick End of May this year. He promised me he would give me some money towards the R1200 bill I’m still waiting ;-) )
Yes I could have kept T but it would have been selfish and M, E and T would have been the ones to suffer.
I didn’t Throw/Give/Not want her, nor did I not care or walk away.
I spent hours making this decision. I spent months making plans so she would be looked after. I choose her parents I met them, I involved them. I made a plan for T. I did all of this because I loved her.
I know how hard it is to be a parent. I knew the reality that awaited us if I was selfish. I knew that it wasn’t what I wanted or needed it was what was best for my children, because I love my girls.
I love them so much that I would do anything for them.
So next time you ask a Birthmom 'How could you give the baby away', or state that, You could NEVER give your child up! Understand it was done because we loved our children more than we loved ourselves and we loved them enough to put them first.
I don’t understand how any mother could give her child away!
This is something I have heard a lot in the last 3 years and yes I have been asked how COULD you give your child away?
This statement comes from ignorance, but it still hurts. In fact I was one of those woman who would say I would NEVER give a child up I mean how can you do that???
I didn't wake up one day and say I don’t want my baby. In fact I woke up every day from the day I made my final decision crying for the fact that I didn’t want to give my baby up I didn’t sleep properly from 6 months on. I remember the night before I went into hospital to deliver her that barely slept I was so scared and worried. I sat in bed rubbing my belly telling her how much I loved her and How it was going to be ok and how I hoped and prayed that one day she would understand I did this because I loved her and I needed her to be safe and loved and have the best life possible. I cried because I felt I had failed her. I cried because I couldn’t give her what she deserved which was the best possible life. I also told her about her mom and dad that were waiting for her and that I just knew they would love her. I told her how I would always love her. And I hoped that one day she would understand why.
I didn’t give her away!!! I placed her. I placed her in her mother’s arms! I chose to give her the best I could, I chose to place her so she would have the best possible life.
I wanted her so badly I wanted her with all my heart she was planned. We had bought clothes and Camp cots bottles blankets. We had bought linen we had a room for her. She was wanted.
But by the time I left her BD (birth dad), I had nothing.
I was living with my Ex and his Girlfriend, I had been told I had a home but only if I didn’t bring the baby home, I didn’t have medical aid. I didn’t have a job; I had my other girls to think of.
What if T was sick how would I pay for a doctor? Where would I find a home for me and my girls with no job? Where would I get the money for nappies? What would happen to M and E? How do I tell them now they really can’t do the little bit extra (like civies days and cake and candy at school or do the Olympiads or school concerts). Because I’m now feeding an extra mouth? What if they get sick then what yes they would have a dad who is around but trust you me he is worse than scrooge. (E got sick End of May this year. He promised me he would give me some money towards the R1200 bill I’m still waiting ;-) )
Yes I could have kept T but it would have been selfish and M, E and T would have been the ones to suffer.
I didn’t Throw/Give/Not want her, nor did I not care or walk away.
I spent hours making this decision. I spent months making plans so she would be looked after. I choose her parents I met them, I involved them. I made a plan for T. I did all of this because I loved her.
I know how hard it is to be a parent. I knew the reality that awaited us if I was selfish. I knew that it wasn’t what I wanted or needed it was what was best for my children, because I love my girls.
I love them so much that I would do anything for them.
In South Africa you do get a child grant but they only give them to people whose financial situation is below a certain level can get the grant. The test to decide whether you qualify is called a means test. The means test at the moment says that you can get the grant if:
•You are single and earn R30 000.00 ($4286) per year or R2500.00 ($357) per month.
The amount changes every year, but in 2010 the child support grant was R250.00 ($35) a month.
http://www.capegateway.gov.za/eng/directories/services/11586/47468
Please note that one pack of Nappies costs about R180 ($26)
So next time you ask a Birthmom 'How could you give the baby away', or state that, You could NEVER give your child up! Understand it was done because we loved our children more than we loved ourselves and we loved them enough to put them first.
21 August 2011
Weird Dreams
The last couple months I have had dreams about adoption. Not about T but another child.
I dreamt a few months ago I found myself pregnant and about to give birth again and I needed to find parents. It was very very vivid.
Then last night I dreamt that I was visiting a child in Amsterdam. She was my child but it wasn’t T and I was confused but I had my husband with me in this dream. (yes I don’t have a husband so very strange) we went to a museum and lunch and then I got woken up.
What I find strange that the dreams are not about T but another child. And so vivid and real.
I dreamt a few months ago I found myself pregnant and about to give birth again and I needed to find parents. It was very very vivid.
Then last night I dreamt that I was visiting a child in Amsterdam. She was my child but it wasn’t T and I was confused but I had my husband with me in this dream. (yes I don’t have a husband so very strange) we went to a museum and lunch and then I got woken up.
What I find strange that the dreams are not about T but another child. And so vivid and real.
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