Adoption lies

I'm not sure if you are aware but me placing T is not where Adoption entered my life. My Mom is adopted. I have always know and so has she. and when I placed T I felt that in a weird way our family had gone full circle.

Today I received a call from my Mom we are not close at all so when I saw the missed call I was dreading phoning her back as it normally results in a fight. However I am trying to deal with issues instead of hiding (Which I do to a fine art.) So I called her right back. 

My Mom has finally found her birth family. Which I am over the moon for her. But with this comes the realization that my grandparents lied to all of us. My Moms adoption story was a lie. 

I do realize that my Grandparents were very forward in their day as they told my mom and her brother that they were adopted it was never hidden from them. The problem was the stories they were told were all lies.

And I am devastated because the chances of us finding out why my mom was placed is minimal as both her Biological parents are gone. She however does have a sister, but she wasn't told about the adoption. So this has had a huge impact on My mom's sister as well as my mom.  

I am still in shock but incredibly angry that my grandparents lied maybe because I understand the implications more than most. I have tried to make sense of it but I cant at the moment. 

I know they never thought that the truth would come out. but the one thing I can say I have learnt is that the Truth always has a way of coming out even 60 years down the line. 

All I want to say is be honest with you children today. because the lies will affect everyone including generations to come. 

    

Mother's Day

As a Mother and Birthmom I struggle with Mother’s Day.

Mother’s day is a day when we honour our Mothers and Grandmothers and all the motherly figures in our lives. It is a very special day. Many of you who have adopted will know the dread that you felt for this special day, before you became mom’s as it reminded you so much of everything you longed for yet didn’t have yet. Those of you still on the journey to motherhood also dread this wonderful day, and secretly you plan for the day you will be honoured as a mom.

Now as a Birthmom, Mother’s day has become bitter sweet for me. I am reminded I am no longer T’s mother; I am not recognised by society as her mother, yet I yearn to be her mom. This is the day I remember what I have lost and what I am missing out by not raising her. It is a very hard day for me and most birthmoms. This is said to be the second hardest day for birthmom’s the first being your child’s birthday.

But despite my wanting to hide and pretend this day does not exist, I cannot hide from mother’s day as I am still a mother to my other two beautiful girls who do their best to spoil me. So I have to put on a happy face and carry on for them as they are honouring me as their mom.

I will also honour T’s Mom tomorrow with a sms Thanking her for loving T, and being wonderful mom. Because despite my pain it is still her day and always will be her day as T’s Mom. Just as it is my day as my daughters Mom.

So tomorrow spare a thought for a Birthmom or your child’s Birthmom and send a prayer their way and give them strength to know how special and loved they are.  

Birth Grandparents Grieve

I have one regret where it comes to my Dad, and I know I have to accept that this was his choice but my Dad never got to meet T. Not because he wasn't given the opportunity but because he chose not to.

My Dad didn't know about T until after she was placed. Which was may seem strange but I felt if he knew he would offer me another option which to be honest wasn't possible I was also afraid of him rejecting me (YES I know silly but its how I felt.)because I had messed up again.

I hurt him incredibly when I did this. I told my dad 3 months after I had placed T what had happened. He was amazing despite the untold hurt and worry I caused him he forgave me. And I will never forget this he turned around and looked me in the eye and told me he was proud of me for doing the right thing.

Now at that point I had what we know as a semi open adoption. and I showed him some pictures that I had of her. But he never really asked about T.

Then when I got the opportunity to meet her he was very supportive of me and said it was good. then last year I asked him if he would like to join us at one of our meetings and he said no. I didn't push it But i was upset with him how could he not want to know her????

However I realise that it was too hard for my Dad. He had lost her too. He couldn't deal with the emotions for him it was hard. so he did what I do all to often and that was avoid. He told me last year he didn't agree with open adoption but not in a bad way just that he couldn't deal with it. He saw how it effects me, and he felt that it just kept opening up old wounds that didn't need to be reopened. He however was amazingly supportive of me and me per suing the open adoption.

He did look at T's pictures and he was always amazed at how much of a family resemblance there was.
My Dad loved me, but he was also grieving her in his own way.

Positve Side of Adoption

Adoption is often only written about in a negative sense. Which is only one side of the story.

The Negative side of Adoption is huge and the problem often is that a lot of us only tend to blog about the bad stuff. Which means you don’t get to hear about all the good things about adoption. You hardly ever hear the happily ever after stories,(yes there are the happily ever after stories).
So I thought I would share some of the good things in our adoption.

1. I have an amazing relationship with T’s parents.
2. T is happy,
3. M and E like T’s family and they feel included.
4. My girls know they are sisters and T knows they are her family.
5. T is loved by all of us. so she is blessed more than anyone could have imagined. 
6. I am at peace with my decision to place T. I don’t worry any more that she is safe or if she is OK because I know.
7. Most of all what makes our adoption good is respect.
8. I feel like I haven’t “lost” T to adoption but I grew my family to include hers.

My perspective regarding Adoptees letter.

Sharon found a letter on a forum from an adoptee to prospective AP’s (adopting Parents) and anyone else considering adoption. Sharon then wrote two posts about this (you can find them here and here) and I keep meaning to blog my view as an “birthmom” regarding not only this letter but the “Save the birthmom”, all “AP’s are evil” crowd. Sadly I have been so busy. So I will get to Save the birthmom in another post as this is turning out to be a book

So here goes
Firstly it saddens me that an adoptee would feel the way the author did her letter. but I do feel that everyone is entitled to their feelings and opinions. I do however as a birthmom and a Mom want to address some of her comments from my view. I will post quotes and then comment on those sections your welcome to read the whole thing but I think most of you have.

I don’t think there’s a soul alive who would actually choose to be born into a situation where being relinquished for adoption, voluntarily or otherwise, was necessary.

I know that didn't want to be born to my mom who has caused me so much pain and given me all these fears and worries about myself. Should I have been adopted? Should I have done something different? I don’t know. What I do know is I am who I am today because of My Mom and My Dad, and all the experiences I have had in my short life time. As much as it has been hard and sad and self destroying I am stronger for it. I am braver for it. I am me because of it.
There is an idea that some cultures have. We choose the life we came to lead to learn the lessons we need to. So in other words we choose our circumstances, we choose our parents our families and we choose our trials and tribulations all to learn the lessons we need to be better people. I personally like this as I try to learn something from each experience I have. and even if this isn’t true then I feel its about attitude to each situation. You can sit down and let the world crumble or you can get up and dust yourself off and deal with what you have been handed.

but please understand that no matter how good and loving and wonderful the adopting parents are, nothing will ever erase the pain, the grief, and the loss that comes with being adopted.

I do believe there is grief and loss felt by the adoptee. Its normal and good to feel these things as there is a loss. What is not normal is to still have these feelings 30 plus years later and not realise that there is a problem.

Adoption should be the very last resort after all other options have been tried. Ask yourself this – does an adoption HAVE to happen? Is there anything I can possibly do to help this young mother keep her child?

I agree that this should be the last option for the birth parents, and it often is. I know in my case it was. I sat and thought about all my options. I dreamed about winning the lotto. queried what if I found a job a week after she was born. I looked at all my options all T’s and M and E’s options. The end of the day there was no option that put my girls first other than adoption.
There was NO ONE to help me and I wasn’t a young mother I don’t like the assumption that birthmoms are young women or that they have not looked at all options it maybe different in other countries but in SA you look at all your options with your social worker. Birthmoms come from all walks of life. Trust me on this.

Adopted people know we are a second choice, a “Plan B,” a solution to someone else’s problem.

Oh my word, sorry but T was never Plan B she was always Plan A she came first in all my decisions and I know I put her first and as for the fact that her parents couldn’t conceive is doesn’t make her Plan B she is loved and wanted and put first in every aspect of her life and their lives.

Please be willing to be completely open and honest with the child you may someday adopt. It doesn’t matter how horrible of a situation they came out of; tell them the truth, and tell them early. For the truth can be dealt with, it can be processed and closure can be found; but nobody can get closure from fantasies and daydreams. Adopted people are stronger than you give them credit for; believe me when I say, we imagine and prepare for every possible scenario when it comes to our families or origin. Don’t think we haven’t entertained the idea that our biological parents were the worst of the worst, or idealized them as some sort of saintly creatures, and everything in between. We have already survived the loss of our original families; don’t for one minute think we can’t survive knowing the reason why.

I am very pro Open adoption as most of you know. This doesn’t mean I object to closed or even semi open adoptions. It just means that Open adoptions work in my opinion and, my reasoning is to avoid the imagination and to give T answers without her ever thinking the worst or the best. I am not some supermom who loves her more than her own mom nor am I a careless, reckless woman who didn’t give a f#@k about her. I am me I have bad days and I have good days I am just a human being.
I do believe in being open but be realistic. A adopted child of 4 is not going to understand that they were a product of rape. Nor will they understand that maybe their birth parents just weren’t fit to be parents? I’m 34 and I still don’t understand why my Mom couldn’t be a better mom.
Just be open with them talk to them about their birth parents let them know they are loved. you wont have all the answers but do be honest with them their birth parents loved them enough to do what they thought best at the time.

If the adopted person in your life (your child, a friend or other family member) ever does talk about it, take your personal feelings and judgments out of it. Resist the temptation to say things like, “But you had such wonderful [adoptive] parents!” or “but you could have been aborted/thrown in a dumpster/etc.!”

Ok I do agree here but I don’t agree that it just effects adoptees. we as a society are too quick to judge others and dismiss their feelings. How often do we dismiss people we know and love? If you are infertile you will know this: “just relax it will happen” or if you suffer from depression: “come on its not that bad just pull yourself together” If you have adopted “Wait now you will fall pregnant” This all comes from mostly well meaning people in our lives. They honestly don’t realise the effect that these words have on us. They feel uncomfortable so they say things to try make it better. Reality is it hurts us. We need to stop trying to force our views and reality on other people we all have issues and problems and you saying a few words really is not helping anyone. Rather listen and try to hear where people are coming from. If you don’t understand then ask and read up about what they might be going through. IF you still don’t understand that’s ok not everyone will.

Understand that there is the very real potential that the child you someday adopt might just struggle with it. And while you can be a terrific parent, a wonderful guide and mentor, the damage has already been done. Be prepared to do the hard work of helping your child deal with any grief, anger, and other issues he/she may feel. TALK to them about it. Adoptees are notorious for keeping things bottled up…let them know it’s OK to talk with you about them. Reassure them that you will NOT be hurt, offended or damaged by their feelings. ALLOW them the freedom to feel whatever they feel.

I do think that this is good advice. but I expect this from all parents not just adoptive parents. All parents should when a child is experiencing a problem they should do what she is talking about. I know in my experience my mom feels she was a great mom. does that mean that how I feel is wrong? No its my reality. Am I the worlds best mom to my girls I don’t know probably not, however I am doing the best I can.

If you are considering an open adoption or have entered into an open adoption, HONOR that. Unless there is some clear and present danger to the life of your child, KEEP THE COMMUNICATION OPEN. Don’t cease contact with the biological family because it’s an inconvenience for YOU. Understand that yes, at times it might be emotionally trying for your adopted child, your child may come away from visits or reading letters and feel depressed and angry, but don’t take that as a reason to cease contact. TALK to your child. Help them understand WHY they are feeling this way. It’s only natural that this might happen; and in the same breath, the biological mother/father/family may also feel overwhelmed at times and pull back, but do what you can to keep the lines of communication open. Remember, adoption is based on loss, and being reminded of that loss can be overwhelming. But that doesn’t mean it should be avoided. Your adopted child will thank you someday for sacrificing your own happiness and comfort to allow him/her to keep this very important connection.

This applies to everyone in an open adoption. I know that here in SA we don’t have many open adoptions but for those that do its about the adoptee not the birth parents not the parents but the adoptee and what is best for them. Respect is vital in all adoption cases, all parties involved should have respect for everyone. Our children learn from example, not from our words.

Be prepared to put your own needs and wants on the shelf and to put away your expectations, do what it takes to attend to the needs of your adopted child.

Again all parents should do this in my mind.

Because adoption should be about finding homes for children in need; NOT finding children for people to fill a need.

In South Africa it is different. Adoptive parents don’t get to choose if they want child A or child B. Our social workers work with the birth parents to find the right parents for the adoptee. We get to decide where our child goes. If we as birth parents choose to be involved. I know that the Social workers do try and place the adoptees in homes that have a similar background to the birth parents (not always possible) so that a reunion is easier for everyone.
We are asked where we would like our child to go what kind of family. what kind of parents do we think should raise our child?
There is so many things we are asked to think about when it comes to placing our child for adoption. Adoption in SA is anything but quick and easy for anyone involved nor is there any money paid to birth parents. Because Adoption is not about selling children it is about doing the best for the child.
Basically Adoption is hard on all parties involved but we do the best we can. As a birthmom all I can say is I hope T one day knows this and realises I did what I thought was right. I am not perfect but I did put her, M and E first. I want what is best for them all.

Adoption is love.

'Save The Birthmom' Wagon

I am so tired of the negativity with regards to adoption and the stupid comments that are said to Birth parents Adoptive parents, and Adoptees.
What makes me mad is this quote came directly from an Adoptee here.

Are there resources I can direct her to, items I can supply her with, can I offer her the support and encouragement she needs to be a good parent? If so, then pursuing adoption is not the right choice. Too many unnecessary adoptions happen as a permanent solution to a very temporary problem. Adoption, after all, is forever – while a current living situation, job situation, etc., is temporary and can be changed and improved. Most women who relinquish their children do so because they feel they have no other choice…but what if she does have another choice, and only needs the support and encouragement to make it?

Adoption is Final there is no going back but here in South Africa. We do not have the governments support. There are no homes for unmarried mothers to go to until they are back on their feet. For fudge sakes we don’t even have reliable public transport. (I won’t mention the state of our state health system either)At the end of the day its you and your family if you find yourself in a unplanned pregnancy.

We have social workers and they will advise birth parents of their options. They look at family to help. They look at costs They look realistically at the situation, no one is forced into adoption.

Now you get all the “Save the birthmom” as I like to call them with remarks such as the one above. Or your parents stole you as baby away from your real mother She is not your mother. (<—– A true comment made to a 5 year old adoptee because the person doesn't believe in adoption in her culture.)
The but why did you not just keep the baby you are ok now. see only a little time and you would have been fine. Adoptive parents are selfish and don't care about the birthmom or the adoptee because if they did they would have helped her keep the baby.

I have been personally called a slut and immoral, mentally unstable as well as my favourite from her father that I was selling my child on the black market and was a slave trader or a child trafficker for placing T. All because I placed my child because I put her needs above my own.

+Now I know that most of this is ignorance and adoption is a mine field ready to explode but seriously wake up people.

There are no fairy tales in adoption.

All the "Save the birthmoms" rode off in to the sunset when I needed help. Realistically our government is not equipped to cope with unplanned pregnancies nor will they ever be in this economy. I had friends who were able to assist me before I placed T NOT one of them offered. I don't blame them because if you are going to go the route of trying to save a birth mom from adoption it is not merely placing a money on a table once. It is about changing perceptions, it is about providing opportunity to the birth mom and father. It is about giving them a foundation which takes time and money and commitment. Babies are expensive, children even more expensive. Are you prepared to help pay for the next 20 years? Are you prepared to give of your free time to council the single moms or the financially strained parents year after year, never mind month after month.
Most families are not able to help and society feels that the government should help and government is saying well organizations should help and basically we as a society are pointing to everyone else and not wanting to get involved because at the end of the day it is going to cost us financially, emotionally and time.

So to all those Adoption is evil and you shouldn't do it because maybe its a short term problem people out there. I am waiting to see what you plan to do about this. Do you have the solution or a plan that you can guarantee will work and make sure my child is loved safe and sound with me??? No???

Then SHUT UP!!!

Again these are my thoughts and opinions

Birthmoms Story in Elle

http://www.elle.com/Life-Love/Sex-Relationships/I-m-Not-What-s-Best-for-My-Baby
 
I so related to this article because although the story is different from mine I just understood where she was coming from. I understood her reasoning for placing.

Our Visit

Well a three weekends ago I got to see T again
It was such a nice visit. She has so much of my family in her and I see her SD(sperm Donor) less and less.

She smiles like E and is shy like both of them. It helps me so much to see how well she is doing.

Our visit for me was amazing and I really love seeing her and her mom and dad.
I asked about how she is understanding the adoption. and was told that recently she told someone that she’s lucky as she has two Mommy’s. My heart soared at this.
(I know it’s advised by the SW not to confuse the child but it’s how her parents are doing it and I respect that.) 

It really was an awesome visit.
Then on Thursday I got an Email from them asking If I was ok because they were worried about me after the visit. How did I get so lucky?
I told them that September had just been an incredibly busy month and I was just exhausted. but I loved seeing them and that they are doing an amazing job and how grateful I was that they were T’s Parents.
I love my Open Adoption

Regrets

The other night on Facebook I was chatting to a friend with whom I grew up with.

And we got to chatting about life and how we never thought that we would end up where we are now. This got me to thinking about regrets and if I could what would I now do differently.

Well I thought about it and I think the only two things I regret are:
Not looking after my body as well as I could have (my weight) and,
Being afraid of taking opportunities that were presented to me, making me lose out on said opportunities (going overseas at age 20).

I don’t regret my Marriage.
I got two beautiful girls from this.
I learnt that I don’t need to lose myself to be a wife.
I learnt that what I think and feel are important.
I learnt that I can have a say and still be a good wife.

I don’t regret my Divorce
I found myself.
I learnt that I am sexy if I feel sexy (not because someone says I am)
I learnt that I can ask for what I want.
I learnt that it’s ok to be single
I learnt that I don’t need a husband to be a person.

I don’t regret being with T’s SD (Sperm Donor)
I learnt that I can trust my gut feelings
I learnt that fairy tales don’t exist
I learnt that I will fight for what is right
I learnt that I can walk away when I need to.
I learnt to be humble
I learnt to swallow my pride.
I learnt to ask for help
I learnt that I am not stupid just trusting

I don’t regret placing T for adoption
I learnt what a mother’s love means
I learnt that I will survive
I learnt that I am stronger than I believed
I learnt that I can stick to a decision no matter how hard it is for me.
I learnt that I am a good Mom (I do make mistakes but I learn from them)
I learnt that it’s ok to admit defeat
I learnt that I will always grieve but its ok to get up and keep going.

I don’t regret Friendships that have ended
I have learnt that real friends are hard to find
I have learnt that not everyone will like me and that’s ok
I have learnt to walk away (Not always easy but necessary)
I have learnt gossip is hurtful
I have learnt to say sorry
I have learnt to not be needy (my friends will still be there)
I have learnt I do not need friends to be happy (I still like the ones I have)
I have learnt to tell the friends I have that they are special and loved.
I have learnt the difference between acquaintances and real friends.

So I wouldn’t change the things that have happened. But I have learnt a great deal from them .

Me and Adoption

This is something I have been wanting to write about for a while now.
In the beginning after placing T I was a wreck. I lost 20 kg’s in less than a month. I was eating, but emotionally I was finished. It was so hard the grief the sadness I really just wanted to die.
Slowly I found each day a little easier to bear, but that first year was a nightmare. I am the kind of person that remembers the little things so all I wanted to know was is she teething, is she sleeping, is she ok? what are her milestones. etc the list was endless. then there were the dreaded firsts her first christmas her first easter her first mothers day and don’t forget her first birthday which I blogged about here
I remember the first mothers day I had without her oh my did I cry. I remember thinking that it wasnt fair I would never get to be there on mother’s day and I was at E’s mothers day concert sobbing for T and the fact that she would never say Happy Mothers day to me. I needed to mourn for these thing I needed to grieve, and still be grateful that I had E and M to wish me Happy Mothers Day. (Know that I was grateful for E and M but it was impossible at the time to be happy that I only had them I wanted and even needed T as well.)
I hated to be told that time healed all wounds. I felt that I would never be ok I would never get through a day with out wanting to die from the heartache. The pain was almost physical. I remember my Social worker telling me that she knew I was hurting now, but one day I would go a day without crying,hurting,missing her, then a week then a month and then one day I would realise it had been weeks if not months that I hadn’t cried/hurting/missing T. I replied that I wasnt sure that was possible and I would never forget T. She gently reminded me that she was saying I should forget T but one day I would look back and it would be easier. I think I just said ok but in my mind I couldn’t comprehend that would happen, the pain was too real.
The second year was easier, in a weird way. I was still mourning her, especially the big events like christmas and easter and Mothers day and her birthday. But what helped was before her second birthday we had moved from a semi open adoption to an Open adoption. This in many ways helped me move forward. I realised that for all my reasons that I had placed her she has these.
She was loved. (I think more than I could have ever dreamed.)
She was happy.
She had more than I could have ever provided for her.
She had the room her BD had promised me she would have. (I know this seems petty but it means something to me and it was something that happened and I only realised it when they sent me pictures)
And the biggest bonus for me was the fact that I got to see her every few months.
We are now in the third year of our adoption and I have to say my social worker was right. It is easier. I have bad days but they are so far and few. I still think about her every single day. But the thoughts are happy ones. My yearning to see her has calmed down. I will always want to see her. but I’m not desperate for the visits there is no count down there is no urgency in when my updates need to come in. I get excited when I get them but I don’t check my email every day 300 times a day to see if they emailed me.
I got an update this week in fact and they were the ones asking for a visit which was so nice.
I love seeing her but the urgency of having to see her is dying. which for me means I’m ok I’m at peace. I feel secure in our adoption that I will be included I know when I need to see her all I need do is send an email or vice versa for them.
I’m in a good space at the moment. I’m comfortable with my adoption I’m comfortable with who I am to T and her family.
I do realise that things could change but I’m confident that we would be able to work around it. We have discussed the issue of what if T decided she didn’t want to see me. We have discussed the issue of what if I needed a break from our open adoption. and I know in my heart of hearts things will be ok.
So for now I’m in a good space about my adoption. I have my moments of sadness but for 95% of my life I’m good.

Who Am I to T???

This is another question I get asked a lot when I get asked about my adoption.
Who does T think I am?

Well honestly I don’t know what she thinks.
I know her mom and dad call me her other mommy (yes the social workers have had several fits about this) but I feel its their decision not mine.
When I see her I call myself by my name. I never imply that I’m her tummy mummy or her birth mom. I’m just Tanya.

She has said that I’m funny (in that I make her laugh) but I don’t push her or try find out who she see’s me as. For me I’m just the funny lady she sees every few months and loves playing with M and E.
I just enjoy being with her. She will soon realise who I am but I will never force her to acknowledge me in respect to my status as her birth mom.
She knows she has sisters who are M and E.
But there are no secrets and I will always be around to answer her but I feel that there won’t be this big day where she finds out it will be casual and over time she will just ask as she needs to know.
Even in my letters I sign my name.

How could you give your child away???

Sharon has done a post  yesterday and today on things not to say to Birthmoms and Adoptive parents. Today's one is Ignorance-is-1-thing and being a Birthmom I have dealt with all of these but I wanted to answer this question. My situation is unique, but my reasons are not.

I don’t understand how any mother could give her child away! 
This is something I have heard a lot in the last 3 years and yes I have been asked how COULD you give your child away?

This statement comes from ignorance, but it still hurts. In fact I was one of those woman who would say I would NEVER give a child up I mean how can you do that???

I didn't wake up one day and say I don’t want my baby. In fact I woke up every day from the day I made my final decision crying for the fact that I didn’t want to give my baby up I didn’t sleep properly from 6 months on. I remember the night before I went into hospital to deliver her that barely slept I was so scared and worried. I sat in bed rubbing my belly telling her how much I loved her and How it was going to be ok and how I hoped and prayed that one day she would understand I did this because I loved her and I needed her to be safe and loved and have the best life possible. I cried because I felt I had failed her. I cried because I couldn’t give her what she deserved which was the best possible life. I also told her about her mom and dad that were waiting for her and that I just knew they would love her. I told her how I would always love her. And I hoped that one day she would understand why.

I didn’t give her away!!! I placed her. I placed her in her mother’s arms! I chose to give her the best I could, I chose to place her so she would have the best possible life.

I wanted her so badly I wanted her with all my heart she was planned. We had bought clothes and Camp cots bottles blankets. We had bought linen we had a room for her. She was wanted.
But by the time I left her BD (birth dad), I had nothing.

I was living with my Ex and his Girlfriend, I had been told I had a home but only if I didn’t bring the baby home, I didn’t have medical aid. I didn’t have a job; I had my other girls to think of.
What if T was sick how would I pay for a doctor? Where would I find a home for me and my girls with no job? Where would I get the money for nappies? What would happen to M and E? How do I tell them now they really can’t do the little bit extra (like civies days and cake and candy at school or do the Olympiads or school concerts). Because I’m now feeding an extra mouth? What if they get sick then what yes they would have a dad who is around but trust you me he is worse than scrooge. (E got sick End of May this year. He promised me he would give me some money towards the R1200 bill I’m still waiting ;-) )

Yes I could have kept T but it would have been selfish and M, E and T would have been the ones to suffer.
I didn’t Throw/Give/Not want her, nor did I not care or walk away.
I spent hours making this decision. I spent months making plans so she would be looked after. I choose her parents I met them, I involved them. I made a plan for T.  I did all of this because I loved her.
I know how hard it is to be a parent. I knew the reality that awaited us if I was selfish. I knew that it wasn’t what I wanted or needed it was what was best for my children, because I love my girls.
 I love them so much that I would do anything for them.

 In South Africa you do get a child grant but they only give them to people whose financial situation is below a certain level can get the grant. The test to decide whether you qualify is called a means test. The means test at the moment says that you can get the grant if:

•You are single and earn R30 000.00 ($4286) per year or R2500.00 ($357) per month.
The amount changes every year, but in 2010 the child support grant was R250.00 ($35) a month.
http://www.capegateway.gov.za/eng/directories/services/11586/47468

Please note that one pack of Nappies costs about R180 ($26)

So next time you ask a Birthmom 'How could you give the baby away', or state that, You could NEVER give your child up! Understand it was done because we loved our children more than we loved ourselves and we loved them enough to put them first.

Weird Dreams

The last couple months I have had dreams about adoption. Not about T but another child.
I dreamt a few months ago I found myself pregnant and about to give birth again and I needed to find parents. It was very very vivid.
Then last night I dreamt that I was visiting a child in Amsterdam. She was my child but it wasn’t T and I was confused but I had my husband with me in this dream. (yes I don’t have a husband so very strange) we went to a museum and lunch and then I got woken up.
What I find strange that the dreams are not about T but another child. And so vivid and real.

First year is past..

A Birthmom’s first year is hell.

We often don’t know how we survive that year. its full of reminders. I know I counted each month. I thought about her every festive event (Christmas, Easter, Mothers day and Fathers day.) My birthday I mourned for her and then her 1st birthday was for me horrible it didn’t matter how much I tried to be ready for that day I never was. I cried nearly every day I often wished I would just die.
A councilor told me I should celebrate her birthday as if she was with me. In theory this was great in reality it didn’t work. I bought cup cakes and made an event where me and the girls sang happy birthday to T. I blubbered my way through the happy birthday and with tears running down my face. And tried my best to look happy for the girls.

I miss T every day but I’m very glad that we are past that first year.

Ps I’m sorry this post is all over the place. Just a very emotional post for me.

Relinquishment

Today nearly to the hour 3 years ago I placed T in your arms. You have loved her and cared for her and I can never thank you enough.
My heart is still sad but it is healing slowly I still think about her every day and some days are bad where I shed a tear or two but most days its happy thoughts.

I will forever love you T

Being Judged

I have just finished reading The Happiest Sad post about feeling bad/down. And it suddenly struck me that Birthmoms try to please too many people. I myself am very guilty of doing this. I play the what if? game every day and you know what it’s not worth it.

Sometimes being a birthmom sucks and we are negative we have bad days I sometimes have bad weeks. That doesn’t mean that I hate my BD parents nor does it mean that I hate Adoption. It means that I’m grieving which is normal and I’m allowed to be negative or angry or sad or all of the above. Just as I’m allowed to be happy. And some people want me to just move on but if my BD had died nobody would be telling me it was time to move on and forget about her.

So why should I forget My BD I too lost a child?

I lost our relationship! I lost my future with her! Yes she’s not dead but the future we were supposed to have is gone!

But like I feel I am happy because I do have the option to have her in my life. And I can make the best of the situation which I try to do. But if I’m sad about her it’s ok to comfort me.

So just don’t judge me or any Birthmom.

When to let go?

At the moment I’m struggling as I have had to come off my AD cold turkey (due to financial reasons) and I finally got back on them this morning but it’s been a very hard emotional three weeks for me.

Letting go is something I am struggling with at the moment. Someone suggested it’s time to move forward by letting T go and by that not seeing her and not getting letters etc. Someone else said I need to move forward with my life by letting go. And maybe it is time to move forward but I don’t want to let go of the people in my life right now.

I have let go of my mother who most feel that she is not worth the energy I give her or have given her in the past and I must admit that I am pleased to say I haven’t caved with her this time.
I have let go of my ex hubby and don’t let him get to me and I now play tough.

But honestly I don’t want to let go of T I don’t want her to feel that I left her or abandoned her I need her to know she’s loved and wanted and I just feel that if I just stop communication I will be devastated. I don’t want to move on without her.

Sorry this is just ramblings

One of those Days

Today is just one of those days I cant explain it Im just down and there is so much to look forward too but instead Im tired and sad.
I really miss T today and just want to see her. The girls are home but Im still fighting for maintenance and see what I can do to tell My x to take a flying leap.
I went to get legal advise but it seems unless i can raise the money myself there is nothing I can really do.
Hugs

The Past

I have been thinking about being a birthmom so much lately. and I wanted to share a little of my past
I have a little journal I started which I wrote in just after I placed T. Its not a traditional journal as I wrote poems, I drew, I wrote that it wasn't my fault I wrote what I wanted for T so its a bit higledy pigildy.

And This journal sits in my cupboard until I need to feel close to T or need to re read where I was. But I want to share an entry from the 15 of July 2008. ( 7 and bit weeks since I had placed her.)


15 July
I lay here waiting for my sleeping tablet to take effect.
I want to hold you in my arms.
I want you to nuzzel my breast
I want to feed you and feel you.
My heart wants you, My head tells me that I have done the right thing, and my body aches for you.
I miss the little things
Everyone says I’m lucky I have M and E
They dont understand I want T as well.
There is an emptiness a hollow in my soul. but there is no way to make it full again.

There will always be a hollow in my heart and soul for T and there is never a day that doesn't go by where I dont think about her. but It is easier than in the begging. Do I doubt my choice I made? NO It was the right one for her. but I am at peace with my choice. And having met her makes it so much easier.

Our first meeting :)

Sorry I have taken so long to post this but I kinda needed time to take it all in.

So on Saturday I got all dressed up and fetched my girls and off we went for lunch.
I arrived there and it was amazing. She was so cute very wary of me. I sat and watched her in awe. I spoke to her mom and dad and it was amazing just to see her. M and E were so taken with her they spent most of the afternoon running around after her and loving her.

Her mom and I spoke for hours and it was so nice to chat to her about the little things. T has her parents wrapped around her little finger and she knows it. She loved her presents that we got her. I got her a little doll and some bath toys. It was so nice to just be there and see her.

As for me it was the best thing I could ever have done. It totally put me at rest. I feel like something has been lifted off my shoulders. and I know that she is safe and loved so much. I did the right thing. I love her like crazy and that will never change but the hurt and grief is a little less for that I'm grateful.