Birth Grandparents Grieve

I have one regret where it comes to my Dad, and I know I have to accept that this was his choice but my Dad never got to meet T. Not because he wasn't given the opportunity but because he chose not to.

My Dad didn't know about T until after she was placed. Which was may seem strange but I felt if he knew he would offer me another option which to be honest wasn't possible I was also afraid of him rejecting me (YES I know silly but its how I felt.)because I had messed up again.

I hurt him incredibly when I did this. I told my dad 3 months after I had placed T what had happened. He was amazing despite the untold hurt and worry I caused him he forgave me. And I will never forget this he turned around and looked me in the eye and told me he was proud of me for doing the right thing.

Now at that point I had what we know as a semi open adoption. and I showed him some pictures that I had of her. But he never really asked about T.

Then when I got the opportunity to meet her he was very supportive of me and said it was good. then last year I asked him if he would like to join us at one of our meetings and he said no. I didn't push it But i was upset with him how could he not want to know her????

However I realise that it was too hard for my Dad. He had lost her too. He couldn't deal with the emotions for him it was hard. so he did what I do all to often and that was avoid. He told me last year he didn't agree with open adoption but not in a bad way just that he couldn't deal with it. He saw how it effects me, and he felt that it just kept opening up old wounds that didn't need to be reopened. He however was amazingly supportive of me and me per suing the open adoption.

He did look at T's pictures and he was always amazed at how much of a family resemblance there was.
My Dad loved me, but he was also grieving her in his own way.

Me and Adoption

This is something I have been wanting to write about for a while now.
In the beginning after placing T I was a wreck. I lost 20 kg’s in less than a month. I was eating, but emotionally I was finished. It was so hard the grief the sadness I really just wanted to die.
Slowly I found each day a little easier to bear, but that first year was a nightmare. I am the kind of person that remembers the little things so all I wanted to know was is she teething, is she sleeping, is she ok? what are her milestones. etc the list was endless. then there were the dreaded firsts her first christmas her first easter her first mothers day and don’t forget her first birthday which I blogged about here
I remember the first mothers day I had without her oh my did I cry. I remember thinking that it wasnt fair I would never get to be there on mother’s day and I was at E’s mothers day concert sobbing for T and the fact that she would never say Happy Mothers day to me. I needed to mourn for these thing I needed to grieve, and still be grateful that I had E and M to wish me Happy Mothers Day. (Know that I was grateful for E and M but it was impossible at the time to be happy that I only had them I wanted and even needed T as well.)
I hated to be told that time healed all wounds. I felt that I would never be ok I would never get through a day with out wanting to die from the heartache. The pain was almost physical. I remember my Social worker telling me that she knew I was hurting now, but one day I would go a day without crying,hurting,missing her, then a week then a month and then one day I would realise it had been weeks if not months that I hadn’t cried/hurting/missing T. I replied that I wasnt sure that was possible and I would never forget T. She gently reminded me that she was saying I should forget T but one day I would look back and it would be easier. I think I just said ok but in my mind I couldn’t comprehend that would happen, the pain was too real.
The second year was easier, in a weird way. I was still mourning her, especially the big events like christmas and easter and Mothers day and her birthday. But what helped was before her second birthday we had moved from a semi open adoption to an Open adoption. This in many ways helped me move forward. I realised that for all my reasons that I had placed her she has these.
She was loved. (I think more than I could have ever dreamed.)
She was happy.
She had more than I could have ever provided for her.
She had the room her BD had promised me she would have. (I know this seems petty but it means something to me and it was something that happened and I only realised it when they sent me pictures)
And the biggest bonus for me was the fact that I got to see her every few months.
We are now in the third year of our adoption and I have to say my social worker was right. It is easier. I have bad days but they are so far and few. I still think about her every single day. But the thoughts are happy ones. My yearning to see her has calmed down. I will always want to see her. but I’m not desperate for the visits there is no count down there is no urgency in when my updates need to come in. I get excited when I get them but I don’t check my email every day 300 times a day to see if they emailed me.
I got an update this week in fact and they were the ones asking for a visit which was so nice.
I love seeing her but the urgency of having to see her is dying. which for me means I’m ok I’m at peace. I feel secure in our adoption that I will be included I know when I need to see her all I need do is send an email or vice versa for them.
I’m in a good space at the moment. I’m comfortable with my adoption I’m comfortable with who I am to T and her family.
I do realise that things could change but I’m confident that we would be able to work around it. We have discussed the issue of what if T decided she didn’t want to see me. We have discussed the issue of what if I needed a break from our open adoption. and I know in my heart of hearts things will be ok.
So for now I’m in a good space about my adoption. I have my moments of sadness but for 95% of my life I’m good.

When to let go?

At the moment I’m struggling as I have had to come off my AD cold turkey (due to financial reasons) and I finally got back on them this morning but it’s been a very hard emotional three weeks for me.

Letting go is something I am struggling with at the moment. Someone suggested it’s time to move forward by letting T go and by that not seeing her and not getting letters etc. Someone else said I need to move forward with my life by letting go. And maybe it is time to move forward but I don’t want to let go of the people in my life right now.

I have let go of my mother who most feel that she is not worth the energy I give her or have given her in the past and I must admit that I am pleased to say I haven’t caved with her this time.
I have let go of my ex hubby and don’t let him get to me and I now play tough.

But honestly I don’t want to let go of T I don’t want her to feel that I left her or abandoned her I need her to know she’s loved and wanted and I just feel that if I just stop communication I will be devastated. I don’t want to move on without her.

Sorry this is just ramblings

How can it still hurt so much.

So in South Africa you not allowed to know the name of the adopting Parents. This is to protect them and the baby. And I understand this logically.
But now I have a delema well not really but I accidently found my daughters parents on Facebook this morning now wow this shocked me. Now Legally Im not allowed to know their surname and not that i can do anything with it but just knowing really hurt me. I dont plan to follow up on the information or try find them in person, or anything crazy.
Ok now the delema I face is do I tell them I know do I tell my social worker? or do I just keep quiet and just keep it to myself ????
And its a year now and I'm a mess and yes I know I did the right thing for her but its suppose to get easier and like my mom said its hormones too but for fudge sakes Im not suppose to such a mess I should be happy I know ???

My Story

I was a 30 year old divorced mom with two beautiful daughters. A few months ago I met a man online and we clicked. This man swept me off my feet he was charming and kind and told me everything I wanted to hear.

Six months later I walked out broken, and four and a bit months pregnant. He was a Con man and a fraudster he had stolen from me, lied to me and stolen from my place of work resulting in me loosing my job my home and a car. I walked out with my two girls my furniture more debit that was more than three months salary. He had also stolen from my family.

I was lucky enough that my ex husband and I got on and he offered to help me get back on my feet. In January 2008 I moved in with my ex husband and his girlfriend and my two girls. This took a lot of pride swallowing and eating of humble pie.

I thought about my situation for a few weeks and decided that having two beautiful daughters already. I also realised that I was not financially stable nor did I know when I would be stable. I also realised that I was struggling with my other two daughters and adding another baby to the equation would not get any easier and the fact that the father had disappeared. I knew that I had to do what was best for my children all three of them and my only option was adoption that was the hardest decision I have ever made.

I then contacted a Pvt adoption agency and met with a social worker. For me I needed to be in as much control of the situation as there were so many factors which were out of my control, I decided I wanted an open adoption and the social worker gave me three couples’ profiles to look at. She made it my choice and I asked to meet with one of the couples.
The social worker set up the meeting with the prospective parents. I was so nervous to meet them. I was fortunate that I had an amazing social worker and the fact that I went through a private adoption agency.

The first time I met the adoptive parents I was so nervous but they seemed so sweet. I wrote down all the questions I wanted to ask and they willingly answered them. I also took pictures of my two daughters and the scans so they could see the baby. By the end of the meeting I had decided they were the ones I wanted to raise my baby. She was a lot like me character wise and I wanted people who had the same values and beliefs as me to raise my baby. Being a mom already I wanted them to be able to share as much of the pregnancy and birth experience as I feel that a baby starts long before the birth.
We set the next date so they could come to a scan and meet my daughters as they wanted to meet the girls. I felt the girls needed to meet them as I had told them that I was giving the baby up for adoption as I wanted to help make a couple as happy as we were as we were a family and they couldn’t have children. This meeting was a success and my two shy daughters loved them which helped me know that I had made the right choice.

But what kept surprising me was the fact that they were concerned for me. I had this preconceived notion, that the only thing adoptive parents would be concerned about was the baby and time and time again they surprised me with their concerns for me and my girls.
We had made the decision that both the parents would be in the theater with me for the c C-section. Eventually my due date arrived and me and my social worker checked into the hospital and waited for the birth parents to arrive. The doctors and anesthetist and gynee were amazing to me and them. My beautiful birth daughter was born at 08.01 on the 22nd of May 2008. They had offered me to hold her first and I insisted the new parents held her first. I then got to hold her and spoke to her. She was crying and when I spoke and hushed her she immediately responded and listened to my voice. I was give time with her before I was taken to recovery and then to the surgical ward.

They named her so she had the same initials as me which meant so much to me. I was unable to visit her the rest of that day due to the spinal block I had received in theatre. But the adoptive parents came to visit me and give me an update as to how she was doing. The next day I went to down to the maternity ward and visited her and the new parents I did this a couple of times that day. The next day I went down and fed her a bottle and said good-bye to them and her. This was so hard I handed her to her new mother kissed her good-bye and walked with the tears streaming own my face. I got back to my ward and climbed onto my bed into the foetal position and cried and cried. I just couldn’t face the world. My social worker came and sat with me as I cried. The next day came and I was discharged and I was scared to go home I didn’t want to face my girls as it meant that this nightmare was a reality. But I had no option and was taken home on the Sunday. Monday morning I went to the court to sign away my rights this was such a non event for such a huge moment for me. Its been nearly 10 months since I handed her over and do I miss her?

I miss her more than anything. But I know I did the right thing she is my life. and I know one day she will find me.