Our Visit

Well a three weekends ago I got to see T again
It was such a nice visit. She has so much of my family in her and I see her SD(sperm Donor) less and less.

She smiles like E and is shy like both of them. It helps me so much to see how well she is doing.

Our visit for me was amazing and I really love seeing her and her mom and dad.
I asked about how she is understanding the adoption. and was told that recently she told someone that she’s lucky as she has two Mommy’s. My heart soared at this.
(I know it’s advised by the SW not to confuse the child but it’s how her parents are doing it and I respect that.) 

It really was an awesome visit.
Then on Thursday I got an Email from them asking If I was ok because they were worried about me after the visit. How did I get so lucky?
I told them that September had just been an incredibly busy month and I was just exhausted. but I loved seeing them and that they are doing an amazing job and how grateful I was that they were T’s Parents.
I love my Open Adoption

Regrets

The other night on Facebook I was chatting to a friend with whom I grew up with.

And we got to chatting about life and how we never thought that we would end up where we are now. This got me to thinking about regrets and if I could what would I now do differently.

Well I thought about it and I think the only two things I regret are:
Not looking after my body as well as I could have (my weight) and,
Being afraid of taking opportunities that were presented to me, making me lose out on said opportunities (going overseas at age 20).

I don’t regret my Marriage.
I got two beautiful girls from this.
I learnt that I don’t need to lose myself to be a wife.
I learnt that what I think and feel are important.
I learnt that I can have a say and still be a good wife.

I don’t regret my Divorce
I found myself.
I learnt that I am sexy if I feel sexy (not because someone says I am)
I learnt that I can ask for what I want.
I learnt that it’s ok to be single
I learnt that I don’t need a husband to be a person.

I don’t regret being with T’s SD (Sperm Donor)
I learnt that I can trust my gut feelings
I learnt that fairy tales don’t exist
I learnt that I will fight for what is right
I learnt that I can walk away when I need to.
I learnt to be humble
I learnt to swallow my pride.
I learnt to ask for help
I learnt that I am not stupid just trusting

I don’t regret placing T for adoption
I learnt what a mother’s love means
I learnt that I will survive
I learnt that I am stronger than I believed
I learnt that I can stick to a decision no matter how hard it is for me.
I learnt that I am a good Mom (I do make mistakes but I learn from them)
I learnt that it’s ok to admit defeat
I learnt that I will always grieve but its ok to get up and keep going.

I don’t regret Friendships that have ended
I have learnt that real friends are hard to find
I have learnt that not everyone will like me and that’s ok
I have learnt to walk away (Not always easy but necessary)
I have learnt gossip is hurtful
I have learnt to say sorry
I have learnt to not be needy (my friends will still be there)
I have learnt I do not need friends to be happy (I still like the ones I have)
I have learnt to tell the friends I have that they are special and loved.
I have learnt the difference between acquaintances and real friends.

So I wouldn’t change the things that have happened. But I have learnt a great deal from them .

Me and Adoption

This is something I have been wanting to write about for a while now.
In the beginning after placing T I was a wreck. I lost 20 kg’s in less than a month. I was eating, but emotionally I was finished. It was so hard the grief the sadness I really just wanted to die.
Slowly I found each day a little easier to bear, but that first year was a nightmare. I am the kind of person that remembers the little things so all I wanted to know was is she teething, is she sleeping, is she ok? what are her milestones. etc the list was endless. then there were the dreaded firsts her first christmas her first easter her first mothers day and don’t forget her first birthday which I blogged about here
I remember the first mothers day I had without her oh my did I cry. I remember thinking that it wasnt fair I would never get to be there on mother’s day and I was at E’s mothers day concert sobbing for T and the fact that she would never say Happy Mothers day to me. I needed to mourn for these thing I needed to grieve, and still be grateful that I had E and M to wish me Happy Mothers Day. (Know that I was grateful for E and M but it was impossible at the time to be happy that I only had them I wanted and even needed T as well.)
I hated to be told that time healed all wounds. I felt that I would never be ok I would never get through a day with out wanting to die from the heartache. The pain was almost physical. I remember my Social worker telling me that she knew I was hurting now, but one day I would go a day without crying,hurting,missing her, then a week then a month and then one day I would realise it had been weeks if not months that I hadn’t cried/hurting/missing T. I replied that I wasnt sure that was possible and I would never forget T. She gently reminded me that she was saying I should forget T but one day I would look back and it would be easier. I think I just said ok but in my mind I couldn’t comprehend that would happen, the pain was too real.
The second year was easier, in a weird way. I was still mourning her, especially the big events like christmas and easter and Mothers day and her birthday. But what helped was before her second birthday we had moved from a semi open adoption to an Open adoption. This in many ways helped me move forward. I realised that for all my reasons that I had placed her she has these.
She was loved. (I think more than I could have ever dreamed.)
She was happy.
She had more than I could have ever provided for her.
She had the room her BD had promised me she would have. (I know this seems petty but it means something to me and it was something that happened and I only realised it when they sent me pictures)
And the biggest bonus for me was the fact that I got to see her every few months.
We are now in the third year of our adoption and I have to say my social worker was right. It is easier. I have bad days but they are so far and few. I still think about her every single day. But the thoughts are happy ones. My yearning to see her has calmed down. I will always want to see her. but I’m not desperate for the visits there is no count down there is no urgency in when my updates need to come in. I get excited when I get them but I don’t check my email every day 300 times a day to see if they emailed me.
I got an update this week in fact and they were the ones asking for a visit which was so nice.
I love seeing her but the urgency of having to see her is dying. which for me means I’m ok I’m at peace. I feel secure in our adoption that I will be included I know when I need to see her all I need do is send an email or vice versa for them.
I’m in a good space at the moment. I’m comfortable with my adoption I’m comfortable with who I am to T and her family.
I do realise that things could change but I’m confident that we would be able to work around it. We have discussed the issue of what if T decided she didn’t want to see me. We have discussed the issue of what if I needed a break from our open adoption. and I know in my heart of hearts things will be ok.
So for now I’m in a good space about my adoption. I have my moments of sadness but for 95% of my life I’m good.

Who Am I to T???

This is another question I get asked a lot when I get asked about my adoption.
Who does T think I am?

Well honestly I don’t know what she thinks.
I know her mom and dad call me her other mommy (yes the social workers have had several fits about this) but I feel its their decision not mine.
When I see her I call myself by my name. I never imply that I’m her tummy mummy or her birth mom. I’m just Tanya.

She has said that I’m funny (in that I make her laugh) but I don’t push her or try find out who she see’s me as. For me I’m just the funny lady she sees every few months and loves playing with M and E.
I just enjoy being with her. She will soon realise who I am but I will never force her to acknowledge me in respect to my status as her birth mom.
She knows she has sisters who are M and E.
But there are no secrets and I will always be around to answer her but I feel that there won’t be this big day where she finds out it will be casual and over time she will just ask as she needs to know.
Even in my letters I sign my name.

How could you give your child away???

Sharon has done a post  yesterday and today on things not to say to Birthmoms and Adoptive parents. Today's one is Ignorance-is-1-thing and being a Birthmom I have dealt with all of these but I wanted to answer this question. My situation is unique, but my reasons are not.

I don’t understand how any mother could give her child away! 
This is something I have heard a lot in the last 3 years and yes I have been asked how COULD you give your child away?

This statement comes from ignorance, but it still hurts. In fact I was one of those woman who would say I would NEVER give a child up I mean how can you do that???

I didn't wake up one day and say I don’t want my baby. In fact I woke up every day from the day I made my final decision crying for the fact that I didn’t want to give my baby up I didn’t sleep properly from 6 months on. I remember the night before I went into hospital to deliver her that barely slept I was so scared and worried. I sat in bed rubbing my belly telling her how much I loved her and How it was going to be ok and how I hoped and prayed that one day she would understand I did this because I loved her and I needed her to be safe and loved and have the best life possible. I cried because I felt I had failed her. I cried because I couldn’t give her what she deserved which was the best possible life. I also told her about her mom and dad that were waiting for her and that I just knew they would love her. I told her how I would always love her. And I hoped that one day she would understand why.

I didn’t give her away!!! I placed her. I placed her in her mother’s arms! I chose to give her the best I could, I chose to place her so she would have the best possible life.

I wanted her so badly I wanted her with all my heart she was planned. We had bought clothes and Camp cots bottles blankets. We had bought linen we had a room for her. She was wanted.
But by the time I left her BD (birth dad), I had nothing.

I was living with my Ex and his Girlfriend, I had been told I had a home but only if I didn’t bring the baby home, I didn’t have medical aid. I didn’t have a job; I had my other girls to think of.
What if T was sick how would I pay for a doctor? Where would I find a home for me and my girls with no job? Where would I get the money for nappies? What would happen to M and E? How do I tell them now they really can’t do the little bit extra (like civies days and cake and candy at school or do the Olympiads or school concerts). Because I’m now feeding an extra mouth? What if they get sick then what yes they would have a dad who is around but trust you me he is worse than scrooge. (E got sick End of May this year. He promised me he would give me some money towards the R1200 bill I’m still waiting ;-) )

Yes I could have kept T but it would have been selfish and M, E and T would have been the ones to suffer.
I didn’t Throw/Give/Not want her, nor did I not care or walk away.
I spent hours making this decision. I spent months making plans so she would be looked after. I choose her parents I met them, I involved them. I made a plan for T.  I did all of this because I loved her.
I know how hard it is to be a parent. I knew the reality that awaited us if I was selfish. I knew that it wasn’t what I wanted or needed it was what was best for my children, because I love my girls.
 I love them so much that I would do anything for them.

 In South Africa you do get a child grant but they only give them to people whose financial situation is below a certain level can get the grant. The test to decide whether you qualify is called a means test. The means test at the moment says that you can get the grant if:

•You are single and earn R30 000.00 ($4286) per year or R2500.00 ($357) per month.
The amount changes every year, but in 2010 the child support grant was R250.00 ($35) a month.
http://www.capegateway.gov.za/eng/directories/services/11586/47468

Please note that one pack of Nappies costs about R180 ($26)

So next time you ask a Birthmom 'How could you give the baby away', or state that, You could NEVER give your child up! Understand it was done because we loved our children more than we loved ourselves and we loved them enough to put them first.

Weird Dreams

The last couple months I have had dreams about adoption. Not about T but another child.
I dreamt a few months ago I found myself pregnant and about to give birth again and I needed to find parents. It was very very vivid.
Then last night I dreamt that I was visiting a child in Amsterdam. She was my child but it wasn’t T and I was confused but I had my husband with me in this dream. (yes I don’t have a husband so very strange) we went to a museum and lunch and then I got woken up.
What I find strange that the dreams are not about T but another child. And so vivid and real.

First year is past..

A Birthmom’s first year is hell.

We often don’t know how we survive that year. its full of reminders. I know I counted each month. I thought about her every festive event (Christmas, Easter, Mothers day and Fathers day.) My birthday I mourned for her and then her 1st birthday was for me horrible it didn’t matter how much I tried to be ready for that day I never was. I cried nearly every day I often wished I would just die.
A councilor told me I should celebrate her birthday as if she was with me. In theory this was great in reality it didn’t work. I bought cup cakes and made an event where me and the girls sang happy birthday to T. I blubbered my way through the happy birthday and with tears running down my face. And tried my best to look happy for the girls.

I miss T every day but I’m very glad that we are past that first year.

Ps I’m sorry this post is all over the place. Just a very emotional post for me.

Relinquishment

Today nearly to the hour 3 years ago I placed T in your arms. You have loved her and cared for her and I can never thank you enough.
My heart is still sad but it is healing slowly I still think about her every day and some days are bad where I shed a tear or two but most days its happy thoughts.

I will forever love you T

Being Judged

I have just finished reading The Happiest Sad post about feeling bad/down. And it suddenly struck me that Birthmoms try to please too many people. I myself am very guilty of doing this. I play the what if? game every day and you know what it’s not worth it.

Sometimes being a birthmom sucks and we are negative we have bad days I sometimes have bad weeks. That doesn’t mean that I hate my BD parents nor does it mean that I hate Adoption. It means that I’m grieving which is normal and I’m allowed to be negative or angry or sad or all of the above. Just as I’m allowed to be happy. And some people want me to just move on but if my BD had died nobody would be telling me it was time to move on and forget about her.

So why should I forget My BD I too lost a child?

I lost our relationship! I lost my future with her! Yes she’s not dead but the future we were supposed to have is gone!

But like I feel I am happy because I do have the option to have her in my life. And I can make the best of the situation which I try to do. But if I’m sad about her it’s ok to comfort me.

So just don’t judge me or any Birthmom.

When to let go?

At the moment I’m struggling as I have had to come off my AD cold turkey (due to financial reasons) and I finally got back on them this morning but it’s been a very hard emotional three weeks for me.

Letting go is something I am struggling with at the moment. Someone suggested it’s time to move forward by letting T go and by that not seeing her and not getting letters etc. Someone else said I need to move forward with my life by letting go. And maybe it is time to move forward but I don’t want to let go of the people in my life right now.

I have let go of my mother who most feel that she is not worth the energy I give her or have given her in the past and I must admit that I am pleased to say I haven’t caved with her this time.
I have let go of my ex hubby and don’t let him get to me and I now play tough.

But honestly I don’t want to let go of T I don’t want her to feel that I left her or abandoned her I need her to know she’s loved and wanted and I just feel that if I just stop communication I will be devastated. I don’t want to move on without her.

Sorry this is just ramblings

One of those Days

Today is just one of those days I cant explain it Im just down and there is so much to look forward too but instead Im tired and sad.
I really miss T today and just want to see her. The girls are home but Im still fighting for maintenance and see what I can do to tell My x to take a flying leap.
I went to get legal advise but it seems unless i can raise the money myself there is nothing I can really do.
Hugs

The Past

I have been thinking about being a birthmom so much lately. and I wanted to share a little of my past
I have a little journal I started which I wrote in just after I placed T. Its not a traditional journal as I wrote poems, I drew, I wrote that it wasn't my fault I wrote what I wanted for T so its a bit higledy pigildy.

And This journal sits in my cupboard until I need to feel close to T or need to re read where I was. But I want to share an entry from the 15 of July 2008. ( 7 and bit weeks since I had placed her.)


15 July
I lay here waiting for my sleeping tablet to take effect.
I want to hold you in my arms.
I want you to nuzzel my breast
I want to feed you and feel you.
My heart wants you, My head tells me that I have done the right thing, and my body aches for you.
I miss the little things
Everyone says I’m lucky I have M and E
They dont understand I want T as well.
There is an emptiness a hollow in my soul. but there is no way to make it full again.

There will always be a hollow in my heart and soul for T and there is never a day that doesn't go by where I dont think about her. but It is easier than in the begging. Do I doubt my choice I made? NO It was the right one for her. but I am at peace with my choice. And having met her makes it so much easier.

Our first meeting :)

Sorry I have taken so long to post this but I kinda needed time to take it all in.

So on Saturday I got all dressed up and fetched my girls and off we went for lunch.
I arrived there and it was amazing. She was so cute very wary of me. I sat and watched her in awe. I spoke to her mom and dad and it was amazing just to see her. M and E were so taken with her they spent most of the afternoon running around after her and loving her.

Her mom and I spoke for hours and it was so nice to chat to her about the little things. T has her parents wrapped around her little finger and she knows it. She loved her presents that we got her. I got her a little doll and some bath toys. It was so nice to just be there and see her.

As for me it was the best thing I could ever have done. It totally put me at rest. I feel like something has been lifted off my shoulders. and I know that she is safe and loved so much. I did the right thing. I love her like crazy and that will never change but the hurt and grief is a little less for that I'm grateful.

Some happy news I think :)

Well a lot has happened this last week or so. Well not really a lot but some kinda exciting news for me.

As I posted in my updates that I had finally got a social worker to contact my Daughters Adoptive parents. And now I was able to communicate with them without having to wait for my old social worker to contact me etc and now I could call my social worker etc.

Now I get an email last week from my old social worker stating that my daughter parents have set up an email so we can communicate directly without a social worker. Oh this was more than I could have hoped for I was so ecstatic. So I sent them an explanation letter as to why I had gotten a new social worker.
They emailed me back to say they were sorry they had no idea that I wasn’t struggling to contact them. But they have presents for my daughters for Christmas and a CD or two of photos and would I like to meet with them to collect or we can get a third party whatever I feel more comfortable with.
I’m not sure if I will get to see her or just them but whatever it is I feel it’s a step in the right direction.

Yes emotionally it will be hard if I do get to see her but the thought of having to wait another 16 years is even harder. And honestly I think it might be easier us to bond if she has a memory of me and I’m in her life even if it’s only once or twice a year than one day having to try start a new relationship from scratch. I don’t know but that’s my view. I know not everyone agrees with this. But I want to try it. But I’m not going to get too excited till I know for sure but I had to share.

Oh and my Mom says I’m not emotionally ready for this maybe she’s right but my thing is when will I be emotionally ready??

Update

Well it’s taken 6 nearly 7 months for a social worker to be assigned to my file (Which has been missing for that long as well.) and Today they found the File and spoke to T's mom. So officially I have a new social worker who is in the country YAY. This also means the letters (email ones) shouldn’t take nearly a month to get to me. (scary hey)
T is doing well and she is so cute and apparently keeping her parents on their toes They seem very happy and love her to bits. I really feel blessed to have them in my lives.

What song do you relate to?

Ok now I’m not really into music. Sure I love to listen to the radio, but I don’t have to have it on. Now a few months back I took my girls to see the Han na Mon tana Movie and this song struck a cord with me as it could almost be me singing about my life and how I know I shouldn’t give up. But lately Im not sure if Im doing the right things and if its working so when I heard this song this morning I just wanted cry as I know I have to keep on trying. No matter how hard it is.

Mil ey Cy rus – The Climb
I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high
There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I’m gonna to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
The struggles I’m facing,
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause
There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I’m gonna to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It’s all about
It’s all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith
Whoa a oh oh

How can it still hurt so much.

So in South Africa you not allowed to know the name of the adopting Parents. This is to protect them and the baby. And I understand this logically.
But now I have a delema well not really but I accidently found my daughters parents on Facebook this morning now wow this shocked me. Now Legally Im not allowed to know their surname and not that i can do anything with it but just knowing really hurt me. I dont plan to follow up on the information or try find them in person, or anything crazy.
Ok now the delema I face is do I tell them I know do I tell my social worker? or do I just keep quiet and just keep it to myself ????
And its a year now and I'm a mess and yes I know I did the right thing for her but its suppose to get easier and like my mom said its hormones too but for fudge sakes Im not suppose to such a mess I should be happy I know ???

Rough week

Last week was so rough. Yes I know my hormones are mainly responsible but it doesn’t make it any easier to accept or live with.
It was E’s birthday and T's birthday is coming up it was mother’s day and well it all got too much. I was feeling bad as I kept thinking of T’s birthday on E’s birthday. And then E did Mothers day concert at school it was so cute but I sat there crying cause I can’t ever be there for T and I keep thinking that it’s not fair cause I should be grateful that E and M are in my life but my councilor says it’s ok to grieve for her. But I feel it’s been a year, surly I should be ok and not feel this way all the time? I don’t know I just want to be able to walk past a baby and not wonder about her or not feel like my heart is being ripped out.

Rough week

Wow its been a rough week emotionally.
I cant stop thinking about T. It seems every where i go I think about her. but I had some positive cause I managed to find out that the adoption assciation had a meeting and they going to assighn my case so hopefully I can get an up date about T really soon cause I really miss her and not knowing is really hard.

Letters

Well I finally get an email from the adoptive parents from my old social worker who is in Australia.
Now yes I’m happy don’t get me wrong I’m over the moon to hear how T is doing.

And boy is she cute she has these eyes wow well yes I’m bias she’s part of me. And she’s started talking and I just get so proud and tearful when I read about her.

But I’m also angry because I emailed and Facebooked my social worker (who left South Africa in Dec 2008) in January asking her how I could email the adoptive parents and she never responded and suddenly I get this mail Hi hope you well here is an update.

My flat mate says I should leave it but I have spent the last 3 months trying to find my file and get a social worker to take my file on so that I can continue contact with the adoptive parents. And this is no easy task because it’s now all the red tape and the fact that there are so few adoption social workers left in the country. It took a month and half for them (social workers in adoption) to have a meeting so they can bring up my case and to decide who to allocate another social worker who will then act as postman. Because I’m not allowed to have direct contact with the adoptive parents. and I really understand this law. But it’s frustrating when all you want is an email and you can’t just email the person directly. Now all of this could have been avoided if she had just handed my file over like she was suppose to. Then the file wouldnt have been closed. and i wouldnt have had all this emotional termoil cause i really felt like i had lost her a second time when they told me my file had been closed and nobody knew where it was.
Anyway thats my itch for the day. She is still beautiful and yes I will always be bias.