Me and Adoption

This is something I have been wanting to write about for a while now.
In the beginning after placing T I was a wreck. I lost 20 kg’s in less than a month. I was eating, but emotionally I was finished. It was so hard the grief the sadness I really just wanted to die.
Slowly I found each day a little easier to bear, but that first year was a nightmare. I am the kind of person that remembers the little things so all I wanted to know was is she teething, is she sleeping, is she ok? what are her milestones. etc the list was endless. then there were the dreaded firsts her first christmas her first easter her first mothers day and don’t forget her first birthday which I blogged about here
I remember the first mothers day I had without her oh my did I cry. I remember thinking that it wasnt fair I would never get to be there on mother’s day and I was at E’s mothers day concert sobbing for T and the fact that she would never say Happy Mothers day to me. I needed to mourn for these thing I needed to grieve, and still be grateful that I had E and M to wish me Happy Mothers Day. (Know that I was grateful for E and M but it was impossible at the time to be happy that I only had them I wanted and even needed T as well.)
I hated to be told that time healed all wounds. I felt that I would never be ok I would never get through a day with out wanting to die from the heartache. The pain was almost physical. I remember my Social worker telling me that she knew I was hurting now, but one day I would go a day without crying,hurting,missing her, then a week then a month and then one day I would realise it had been weeks if not months that I hadn’t cried/hurting/missing T. I replied that I wasnt sure that was possible and I would never forget T. She gently reminded me that she was saying I should forget T but one day I would look back and it would be easier. I think I just said ok but in my mind I couldn’t comprehend that would happen, the pain was too real.
The second year was easier, in a weird way. I was still mourning her, especially the big events like christmas and easter and Mothers day and her birthday. But what helped was before her second birthday we had moved from a semi open adoption to an Open adoption. This in many ways helped me move forward. I realised that for all my reasons that I had placed her she has these.
She was loved. (I think more than I could have ever dreamed.)
She was happy.
She had more than I could have ever provided for her.
She had the room her BD had promised me she would have. (I know this seems petty but it means something to me and it was something that happened and I only realised it when they sent me pictures)
And the biggest bonus for me was the fact that I got to see her every few months.
We are now in the third year of our adoption and I have to say my social worker was right. It is easier. I have bad days but they are so far and few. I still think about her every single day. But the thoughts are happy ones. My yearning to see her has calmed down. I will always want to see her. but I’m not desperate for the visits there is no count down there is no urgency in when my updates need to come in. I get excited when I get them but I don’t check my email every day 300 times a day to see if they emailed me.
I got an update this week in fact and they were the ones asking for a visit which was so nice.
I love seeing her but the urgency of having to see her is dying. which for me means I’m ok I’m at peace. I feel secure in our adoption that I will be included I know when I need to see her all I need do is send an email or vice versa for them.
I’m in a good space at the moment. I’m comfortable with my adoption I’m comfortable with who I am to T and her family.
I do realise that things could change but I’m confident that we would be able to work around it. We have discussed the issue of what if T decided she didn’t want to see me. We have discussed the issue of what if I needed a break from our open adoption. and I know in my heart of hearts things will be ok.
So for now I’m in a good space about my adoption. I have my moments of sadness but for 95% of my life I’m good.